6 07 2009

HPIM0759I have not written anything much lately. Sure, life gets busy, and I find myself these days having not so much free-time on my hands as I have had recently, but I’m not complaining. This is because I’ve been spending time with someone special lately. I’m very fortunate to have this amazing person in my life, as there are many other areas of my world that have not been especially wonderful over the last few months.  I just have not been in the right frame of mind overall to write anything.

I spent my weekend with family again in Edmonton. My mom is in the hospital and dying of cancer. She was diagnosed back in February, and the prognosis is not good. She’s had it for several years, but unfortunately it was not detected until it was too late to do anything about it. I’ve watched my mom slide downhill at a very rapid rate since we all first found out. She’s now so drugged up with morphine, that she fades in and out of consciousness like the ebb and flow of the tide. She still knows when people are there visiting her, but speaks little and is alert even less.  It was her 64th birthday on Friday. The woman lying in the hospital bed however looks and acts less and less like my mom every time I see her. She appears to have aged 20 years from the first time I saw her in the hospital, back in February, until just last weekend. Seeing her like this breaks my heart. It’s difficult to put into words how helpless I feel, unable to do anything for her other than just be there for her. Living 300km away does nothing to diminish the hurt. In fact, it makes it harder for me, since I can’t visit her more often. What also pains me is the knowledge that although she’s fairly knocked out most of the time from the drugs, she still is aware of the fact that she will never see her home again. That she will not get the opportunity to even sit outside and enjoy the warmth of the sunshine or the cool smell of rain. She will never again be able to have dinner with our family, her grandchildren, and joke around afterwards like she used to.

For all of her faults, bad choices, addictions, and the undesirable childhood my sisters and I endured as a result, she is still my mother and I love her. All I can hope for now is an end to this terrible pain she is in, and restful, happy place that her soul can call home. I love you mom.




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